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The DAILY PUKE, UK, 24. October '03

Hamudistan Ambassador to Great Britain Suspected Of Making Country Up

LONDON, UK The German citizen Ingo Mertner, 34, H.E. Ambassador of The Principality of Hamudistan to Great Britain since 1998, has been asked to report to the Foreign Office to being questioned that the nation does not exist.

"While nothing has been substantiated as of yet," Foreign Secretary Jack Straw told reporters at a press conference early October, "it appears Ambassador Mertner may have made the country up."

According to Straw, suspicions first arose last month when Bulungi’s Ambassador Bernd Dombrowsky attended a formal state dinner at Downing Street. When Foreign Secretary Jack Straw asked Dombrowsky for an update on the tensions between Bulungi and Hamudistan, Dombrowsky replied, "I'm sorry, I have no clue what you're talking about."

Straw then explained to Dombrowsky that H.E. Ambassador Mertner had recently informed him that the fighting between Bulungi and Hamudistan had almost reached a breaking point, with Bulungi’s army advancing all the way to the Hamudistanian capital of El Hamwimsi.

"After dinner that night," Prime Minister Tony Blair said, "Foreign Secretary Straw and I made the decision to look up Hamudistan in an atlas. Unfortunately, we were unable to locate it. We also looked for it in a large dictionary, under several different spellings, but again, we were without success."

H.E. Ambassador Mertner of Putney, South West London, was firstly appointed to a post as Hamudistns Ambassador to Germany by a joint decision between Hamudistan’s Serene Monarch Prince Olfo I and Helmut Kohl, Ex-Chancellor of the reunited Federal Republic of Germany, after a chance meeting at a Wine Bar near Oggersheim, Germany, where Mertner had dinner at the time. After discussing Hamudistan politics with Mertner for more than three hours, Kohl was impressed enough to arrange his appointment as ambassador with Prince Olfo I.

"Mr. Mertner is a smart, charismatic and persuasive young man," Kohl said some six years ago at a ceremony marking the appointment. "I am confident that with his great expertise, Germany can re-establish strong relations with Hamudistan and help the nation move beyond all the problems that has plagued it in the past, such as last year's tribal war between the Güllis and the Moffies, and the lack of erotic literature throughout.

Following a further assignement as Cultural Attaché to Great Britain, Mertner represented Hamudistan's interests in the UK since.

Furthermore, Mertner has recently been elected the representative of the British Chamber of Industry and Commerce to Hamudistan. Pending further investigation, Mertner’s £17,500 monthly salary — which has been sent to an offshore account in Crolesia due to Hamudistan’s lack of banks — has been suspended. For the past years, Mertner’s Office in Crolesia has also been serving as a switchboard for routing calls between the ambassador and London, Washington and Berlin, a situation Mertner explained was necessary because "the phone lines in England and in Hamudistan are just all fucked up."

Despite the suspicions surrounding Mertner, both Blair and Straw praised the ambassador, saying he has done "an excellent job monitoring a period in Hamudistan’s history marked by often intense sectional surfing competitions." Straw did not, however, deny that a number of the phone calls between them were characterized by giggling and smutty remarks.

According to Straw, while Mertner said that getting a ticket for a flight to London to stand trial would be "a bitch," the ambassador assured him he would be on the next available London-bound flight, departing from Hamudistan’s El Hamwimsi Airport.

THE HAMWIMSI TELEGRAPH, Hamudistan, 29. October '03

Hamudistan Might Change Name to AAA Hamudistan

Hamudistan City, AAA Hamudistan — Hamudistan today officially announced that it might change its name to AAA Hamudistan, vaulting 188 places in the United Nations Membership Directory in an attempt to catch the eye of anyone browsing for country-related products and services.

"The UN Directory is alphabtical, so if your fingers were walking through the member pages looking for a country, we were quite down the list," said Hamudistans Head of State Prince Olfo I. "But when the new Directory comes out next winter, AAA Hamudistan will top the list and hopefully people will call us first for all their national needs."

While the change will require new business cards and signage, it was much cheaper than taking out a display ad, said Prince Olfo I who added the new name will not affect the quality of service customers have come to expect. "We're still the same Hamudistan "connaisseurs" know and trust," he said.

However, Hamudistan is likely be supplanted at the top if AAA Germany and 123 Slovakia have their name changes approved before the 2003 UN Directory goes to print.